Potty Training vs. Potty Learning
Oh, what's in a word? Linguistics has always peaked my interest, words carry so much weight, so much power. The way you frame something in your mind, the words you use to describe something can completely change the interpretation of what you're describing. So while it might seem like a silly thing to nitpick, I prefer the potty learning approach over the potty training approach.
The main difference between potty training and potty learning is that training implies that the parent is training the child to do something (parent directed) while potty learning is the parent supporting the child through the learning process (child-led). It's a subtle distinction but an important one. Children learn what behaviors are acceptable by the behavior their family and caregivers model, so using the potty is something that should come naturally to them anyway. By foregoing traditional potty training, it essentially eliminates the power struggle. It also eliminates the need for the parent to have an agenda -- and come on, we know that toddlers can ALWAYS pick up on our agendas, and when they inevitably do, it creates a power struggle. One that simply does not need to exist.
Personally I believe that a child will be ready to use the toilet in their own time and you can try to encourage them to do it on YOUR timeline, or you can allow them to do it on THEIR timeline. And, honestly, no matter what they're going to get it done when they are ready, and that time will be the same whether you start them really early and push hard or wait and support them through the natural process of readiness.
There are three main areas of potty readiness: emotional, cognitive and physical readiness
Basically the physical readiness is your bladder telling your brain hey it's time to go potty
and the cognitive readiness is that you know what is expected you know that culturally we go to the bathroom. Emotional readiness is a little more tricky it has more to do with the toddler perceiving the diaper to be their own to be taken away from them and it is considered something they are used to -- diapering is a time they've had with their caregiver their entire life.
And that emotional factor is really the one where the power struggle comes in. If they are not emotionally ready then encouraging them to do early usually ends up backfiring and creating that dreaded power struggle. They could be exhibiting readiness cognitively and emotionally but not be able to physically yet. Pressing them before their ready can seriously hinder their progress and can sometimes impact their confidence, as well.
So that brings me to my approach of NOT potty training AT ALL. Now that's not to say that I don't talk about poop and pee and potty time all the live long day like other toddler moms, but I have not the slightest timeline whatsoever, I'm not their trainer, we are just living life and they are watching me and Daddy go into the bathroom, they notice we don't wear diapers, they observe and ask questions. We bought a potty before Danny Jr. was 2 and have taken the potty chairs out already for Timmy. We aren't sheltering them from learning about or even using the potty, we simply have no bottom line. And honestly, I have a really strong willed son and we experienced NO power struggle around toileting because he felt no external pressure at all from me. At first Danny would just sit on it. Pretend to go. Play with the flusher. We read books about going potty. But I refrained from phrases like big boy underwear and instead just called them underwear. I wasn't going to define his transition into becoming a little boy as opposed to a baby by his underwear and I certainly don't want him to feel shamed if he's not quite ready. Again, this is all very laid back and no pressure, you can't have a hidden agenda. Toddlers are all knowing. They will sense it, and they will push back. They actually have a real developmental NEED to push back, that's one way they grow and become individuals and explore the world around them. We refrain from sticker charts and rewards and counting the number of times they pee or poop. But we cheer and celebrate their achievements, of course! We dance and high five when he goes pee! We yell from the rooftops when the poops! But there are not external rewards, no quota for the week. It's hands off in that it is not parent directed but you still, of course, teach them the basics like flushing, washing their hands, stopping to go right away. We sing Daniel Tiger songs to help learn those concepts "If you have to go potty, STOP! And go right away. Flush and wash and be on your way!"
We are stretched so thin, why add unnecessary stress to our lives AND to their lives? Trust that they can do this, and with that trust give them your full support and encouragement. Further reading if you're interested: Toilet Learning vs. Toilet Training
