Why We Don't Use Time Outs (and what we do instead!)
Let me start by saying that I can be pretty vocal about my beliefs, it's just who I am, particularly ones really important to me, and corporal punishment (spanking) is one of those things. I am firmly opposed to spanking, and not surprisingly my overall approach to discipline may not mirror your traditional idea of the authoritative parenting style we've accepted and become accustomed to. But I bring up that I'm a vocal person because I just want to point out that I'm not knocking people who use time outs, just explaining what works for us and the thought process (and some research) behind it. When it comes to spanking, I'm also not knocking you if you choose that method, I just urge you to look into some of the studies that show that it has long lasting negative effects on children. Many parents do spank, I know some people who spank are probably reading this now and I don't mean any of this to offend and I hope you'll read on and see some alternatives you may have never heard before. Okay this lady is nuts, but we get it. Peaceful parent. She doesn't spank. Makes sense. It's the next part that surprises most people -- I also don't use time outs. Then how do you discipline? Central to the idea behind not using time outs is understanding our emotions, teaching our children to identify their emotions and learn to cope with them. Most behavior has some emotional root, so if you train yourself to always look for the root cause of the behavior and address that, then you are not only teaching them to stop the unwanted behavior, you are increasing the likelihood that they will not repeat that same unwanted behavior again and again and again. A time out is usually either when a child is sent to their room, the corner, a chair, wherever the designated spot is, and are to stay there until they have self-regulated their own emotions, or "calmed down" as we call it. Usually they can't leave until they prove they are calm, sorry or both. Sometimes it ends with an obligatory apology, maybe even a hug to a hurt sibling. We try to approach misbehavior with a time out turned on its head so we call it a time in or sitting out together. Instead of isolating the child and expecting or asking them to self-regulate their emotions, we sit with the child and help them identify and work through their emotions, figure out why they did what they did and show them how their actions impacted others or explain why a rule broken is a rule we have in place to begin with (ie: for safety, etc). Example: Danny Jr. throws a toy at Timmy. Me: Danny, come over here. Let's sit out together for a second. Danny comes over and sits with me, usually without fuss. I try not to make this request franticly or with anger in my voice which helps. If he doesn't come with me I will usually say, "I need you to come speak with me, would you like to walk or should I carry you to (wherever)." When kids are young you may need to help them identify their feelings, as they get older they may identify them right away themselves and verbalize them or they may respond to questions like, "how does that make you feel?" Danny Jr is 4 so he sometimes needs help figuring out why he is upset. So we keep digging a little to figure out what's under the surface of the problem. Me: "I saw you throw the toy at Timmy. You must have been really mad." D: "I was mad. Timmy took my car and slobbered all over it and ruined it." Me: "Wow, that must have been really frustrating for you. But you can't throw your toys at people or hurt other people when you're mad. What else can you do?" By now Danny Jr. knows a lot of the options but I used to answer my own question with "maybe you could stomp like a dinosaur or roar like a lion or breathe out fire like a dragon (tricky way to get them to take deep breaths and find healthy outlets for anger!) or sometimes one of us will start singing the Daniel Tiger angry song, "When you're really mad and you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four." The exchange usually ends with me asking how his actions made the victim in the situation, usually his younger brother, feel. "The toy hurt Timmy when you threw it at him, that must have made him sad and he probably has a booboo. What should we do?" Kiss the boo-boo, say sorry, whatever action is appropriate for the situation. Or we talk about what we will do next time. Sure, it may take a tiny bit more effort upfront, but teaching children how to manage their emotions versus teaching them how to push down or surpress them in X amount of time will pay off later as they are able to identify angry emotions earlier and have tools for how to deal with them like songs, breathing, walking away, talking about how the situation makes all parties feel. Overall, we try to let our children experience consequences as opposed to punishments, but that is a discussion for another day! Further Reading: More Effective Than Time-Out: Time In, Aha Parenting Why Timeouts Fail and What to do Instead, Janet Lansbury The Truth About Timeouts: What the Experts Are Saying, Peaceful Parents Confident Kids The case against spanking, American Psychological Association Spanking the gray matter out of our kids, CNN The Long-Term Effects of Spanking, Time
