Confessions of a Former Sanctimommy
Sanctimommies.
We all know one, or maybe you've personally even been one, but at some point we've all encountered them -- or will. Seriously, the worst. They always have to comment on your car seat, or your baby's attitude, what they're eating, how soon they're eating, if they're wearing socks, for crying out loud. Every aspect of your life is put under this tiny microscope by these other mothers. How do I know this? I was a sanctimommy.
Here's a couple reasons why I thought being a sanctimommy was the best way to be, and how I was totally and completely wrong.
Everyone, regardless, is going to have an opinion. It's something we've dealt with all of our lives. Sometimes, as parents, we just don't know what's the best thing to do. We get told these things by EVERYBODY and let's be honest they're all different. As a sanctimommy it's amazing to see parents learn new things, it's amazing to be the one that gets to inform somebody, and that's how it always starts. Innocently, because facts are not attacks. Then it develops, you get backlash, “but it doesn't matter because you're helping people.” I can't tell you how many people on facebook have me blocked, know badly of me, know of groups I've been in, and have worked with, as being horrible groups. I always defended it because facts were NOT attacks. They were just that, facts.
Oh boy was I WRONG.
Facts are not attacks, is not entirely untrue, because they are not. The person delivering the fact, the sanctimommy, is in fact attacking these women.
Some moms know, some moms don't care, some parents just don't want to feel attacked, and some people don't want their flaws pointed out (especially in a group with 1,000+ other women, or family and friends.)
Yet, we do it, and it turns into this mom-shaming, a sense of entitlement, you feel better than these people because you're doing it RIGHT! You're nailing it, and getting to point out all the people that are doing worse than you! But are they? Are you doing as good as you say?
My experience, and from the sanctimommies I know personally, no they're not. They're probably doing a couple things :
Losing their shit. Like heading straight for a mental break down, need space, completely feeling like they're messing up, and pointing out your mistakes, so that theirs aren't as bad.
Completely lying. When I say lying, I mean almost every aspect of their life is what they WISH it was, and STRIVE for it to be, but they aren't completely there yet.
Of course, last, you have your mixture of both. You have the moms, who are completely freaking out, like life online is PERFECT, but seriously crying breaking down, feeling like they have no idea what they're doing, which usually consists of multiple lies to make it seem like life is so much better and what they wish it really was.
I guess you could say I was the last one, kinda of a combination of both. I didn't necessarily lie I just didn't tell people things. Things I know I could be judged on were not things I liked to speak on and usually the things you saw me not mention my opinion on online. BUT I was 100% going off the deep end, and I was 100% living a lie, acting like life was perfect when it was not.
I was not the typical sanctimommy, because I can admit my mistakes, I can admit that it was not right, and I can admit that I deeply regret the people I've hurt by my actions, but I can not take them back.
The mom shaming got to me, it wasn't right: how could I sit here and make another mother feel like SHE was failing? I've owned up to a lot, I did not in fact always practice what I preached, and it's not that I intended to lie about it, I just didn't talk about it. Someone has to though, someone has to be the one that makes all of these women, who do have to deal with sanctimommies Every. Single. Day. feel like they aren't failing.
WE DO ALL DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.
FACTS ARE NOT ATTACKS.
SOME ADVICE IS GOOD TO GIVE.
SOMETIMES IT'S WORTH IT.
The reality is, sometimes it really is good to inform mothers of things because they really haven't done the research, but the way you deliver the information is literally the decision between someone taking the information and using it or them never looking into it again (this is why I love the research topics we do every week in the group!)
The mom shaming, the amount of mothers who feel less than BECAUSE OF ANOTHER WOMAN is crazy to me.
Stay at home mom, working mom.
Baby led weaning, purees,
4 months, 6 months, longer.
Organic food, sometimes giving McDonald's.
Formula, breastfeeding.
Public school, private school, homeschool.
Daycare, in home daycare.
Pumping, supplementing.
Co Sleeping, co bathing, crib training, CIO.
Spanking, gentle parenting.
Disposable diapers, cloth diapers.
Literally everything we do as a parent is a choice we have to make, and not everything is going to work for everybody. No one will make the same choices, or the same combination of choices. Some people just do things differently and who are we to tell them what they can and can't do. What makes us better?
Absolutely nothing. We're all just trying to raise these tiny little humans, into amazing grown adults, while keeping our shit together, and being the best we can be. If something isn't the best, you make it work for both of you because that's what you have to do, and acting like this entire parenting this is so easy and that we're better because of a choice we make is just simply not the truth at all. As much as we wish it were, it's not the truth, it's just an illusion. Sometimes it's good to show what's behind the mask, because more than likely there's someone in the exact same position as you.
